Well, the feeling I have had, lately, is that this search for the big love, for the ideal pair, the prince of our dreams, for the forever happiness – which should had been configured as an edifying and ennobling way - has worked out much more as a way to turn out many people’s lives into an absurd insanity.
Just by watching a little bit closer the great misunderstanding that so many realationships have been (with their endless search for titles), we will end up getting to the conclusion that inbetween all this, there is something which needs urgent revision, reavaliation and new approach.
If we study a bit deeper the history of humanity, it won’t take too long for us to figure out that the conduct between men and women, including the sex appeal and its many different manifestatios, have been through some significative tranformatios before it came to the life we lead nowadays.
If, at the beginning, it was all about surviving and making mankind reproduct, not too long ago, the wish for confort, for abundance and for wellness, showed up. Here is also the beginning of romantic love and of such eager struggle for happiness, which gained - from then on - a much more extensive and polished meaning than it had ‘till then.
From here to this crazy rhythm of changes, it took almost no time. Much less than just a century. And, now, we live as if we were in the center of a hurricane, full of questions, doubts, insecurity, expectations, and perspectives on cracked bases, in real reformulation...
And the question remains still, unsteadly: why has it been so difficult to experience this great love? Why, although this seems to be the biggest wish of the majority of people, what prevail are the dissents?
Maybe you have lived such deep contradictions as these. Maybe you have hardly believed that all you wanted was to love and to be loved, and when facing this possibility, you just didn’t know what to do, or you did it all wrong...
Maybe you have told yourself, countless times, that you prefer to be alone, to enjoy your freedom, to preserve your space and individuality and, when looking at yourself in the mirror, you were afraid of loneliness or felt the almost unstanding weight of a missing embrace...
And at these moments, convinced (?) by the modern way of thinking that says it is all up to you, the internal conflict is practically unavoidable: what do I really want? If it is all up to me, why is it that so many people can interfere so straightly in the way I feel? And if the responsibility of all that happens to me is all mine, why is it so, that I do not always reach the targets I have so strongly worked for?
I don’t know... but when I face all these question marks, I tend to conclude that this is a moment of complete changings in the history of the relationships. What it was before, isn’t anymore. We don’t know what it’s going to be. At the moment, we are men and women thinking over our roles, wishes, our place in the loving field, in the family and in life in general.
So, maybe, the problem is the anxiety and attachment to the idea of a great love which does not fit our reality of today. A great love which is not restrictive nor humble as the one our grandparents lived, but which is not so free and lacking engagement as the one we have been trying on for the last decades... Preferably, one which is intense, romantic, perfect, full of magic and passion, as we are shown by the poets and composers or we see at the screens of the movies... Those ones which pop up and take us from a little life we haven’t been able to carry on alone (because this is exactly how I have seen people wait for a big love). Ah! And that lasts forever, of course!
We don’t realize that this search isn’t coherent with the attitudes we have been having, nor with the way of life we have been leading. The outside gears are not in harmony with the internal ones. The rhythms are dissented. What I want to buy is not what there’s for sale and then we pay the price to have what is being offered. We are lost among feeling, wanting, doing, pretending, ant, eventually, being!
It’s ok... I suppose it couldn’t be a lot different from this, since we are at a time of deep changes, but I bet the way could be a lot softier and full of pleasure if only we stopped thinking that the “great-love-of-fairy-tales” is the solution we ought to invest all our existence in.
The insanity (which is what I want dammed, for sure) is, actually, because of this strong insistance on believing that love is some kind of “marital status” we shall achieve and, once there, happiness is a fact. It’s not!
Happiness is the one we have to offer and not the one we have expected. And it’s also a lot more uncertain, imperfect and unsteady than we have imagined. Just because we are people and people are like this: uncertain, imperfect and unsteady.
And when, we finally accept this fact, I believe we will start to figure out what love is all about...
Rosana Braga é Especialista em Relacionamento e Autoestima, Autora de 9 livros sobre o tema. Psicóloga e Coach. Busca através de seus artigos, ajudar pessoas a se sentirem verdadeiramente mais seguras e atraentes, além de mostrar que é possível viver relacionamentos maduros, saudáveis e prazerosos.
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Publicado por Rosana Braga
em STUM WORLD
