You must have already heard that story of the chicken and the pig, which tells us about the difference between being involved and being committed.
I mean, the chicken is involved in an omelet because it gives away its egg that is part of itself so that the omelet can be made and the pig is committed to a feijoada* because it gives itself completely. It loses its life for the food to be served…
Starting from this principle, consider that: are you involved or committed to your relationship? Obviously, I am not talking about giving your life up when you commit yourself, but about being aware, before anything else, of the difference of behavior between who gets involved and who is committed to love.
Being involved is to give some part of yourself, to be together while it is good, while it is convenient, while it is interesting, while you don’t need to overcome difficulties, to review concepts and values, to change your attitudes in order to make it work.
Being involved is to stay only when you don’t have to lose anything, when you don’t need to give up something that is precious to you, when you feel that you won’t lose anything because of this relationship, because of the other person or because of the
love you feel.
Being committed is to be completely available, to be ready for anything - within human limits, of course - to make love prevail - to make your relationship survive in spite of the lost battles, despite having to practice your compassion and putting yourself in the other person’s position, trying to understand his/her needs and desires, so that the relationship wins.
Being involved is to give priority to yourself most of the time, considering that the relationship is only worth it if it brings advantages to you. On the other hand, being committed is to give priority to this triangle that involves you, the other person and the world created by this union. It is to know that the advantages are not always personal. It is necessary many times to give up your opinions, give up your desires and your time for the relationship to grow, to get stronger and to strengthen the life together with someone.
Maybe this doesn’t look too romantic or as a perfect love or a fairy tale where everything seems to be always profits, advantages and benefits. However, relationships are a matter of choice, purpose and feelings. Love makes the losses change to profits and giving makes you stronger - not more fragile.
Some people say that living with your beloved is to give part of your life to him/her. I prefer the verb to share. Giving a part seems like having just half of what you were, because it gives the rest; while to share means to keep what you already were and still enjoy what the other person is, to win his/her essence with the intention of learning, to recognize in him/her qualities you didn’t have, but that you can absorb and acquire.
As for the imperfections that both certainly have, you can recognize yours through the other, his/hers comments and wishes and you can also help your beloved to progress through your wishes and perceptions.
Finally, sharing lives in a committed way is to become better, to become complete. It is to give your best and understand that there are no guaranties, there are no certainties, there is no “forever”, ever!
So, for this reason, committed love is a daily decision, an exercise that requires discipline and continuity.
There no acquired love, there no conquered heart… only the personal and individual decision of starting again every day.
Rosana Braga é Especialista em Relacionamento e Autoestima, Autora de 9 livros sobre o tema. Psicóloga e Coach. Busca através de seus artigos, ajudar pessoas a se sentirem verdadeiramente mais seguras e atraentes, além de mostrar que é possível viver relacionamentos maduros, saudáveis e prazerosos.
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