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Consequences for being different from family
by Andre Lima - firstname.lastname@example.org
English version: Michelle Boscolo - email@example.com
Being different from family can bring deep emotional conflicts. An offspring with a different attitude like daring and more active, being financially in better position, not permissive as maybe could be his/her parents, for many times suffer serious consequences. If the difference goes to a “worst” way or more passive, humble, less active, less successful can also suffer severe pressures of family. There is a resistance to change. The familiar system wants to keep the same emotional patterns: blame games, emotional dependence, domination, control, submission etc… The domineering mother will use every tool she owns (like chantages, emotional threaten etc.) to keep the domination. The offspring who dare to get out of domination will suffer the consequences. The one who act like a victim will resist changing going against every little arguments and advices offered.
Change comes with bother. Take people out of comfort zone. When some relative has a different attitude from family it can cause a big discomfort. The reaction can be as a critic and many kinds of punishment and pressure to repress the action that takes other relatives out of the comfort zone.
We have difficult to expand the comfort zone because it is a little painful. Even knowing that changes can give us a better life, action and reaction conscious and unconscious are taken by us to do not leave the baseline known therefore comfortable (even being bad).
A client of mine was complaining about difficulties to keep relationships for a long time. For each difficult always exist a reason. I use to investigate causes and they show up during the sessions.
She told me her parents were so passives. Everyone did what they wanted to. Family took advantages and they never respond. Since her childhood she carried about it. At home she used to protest when disliked things and as she was growing up started to defend parents from relatives, spoke truths was angry.
Her brothers used to act in a passive way like parents. This behavior was so praised by her mother:”so-and-so (brothers) have a good temperament, you have a terrible one! Anyone is going to get married with you in this way you’re going to die alone!”
Imagine hear it the whole life. What does the child internalize? “If my mother sad that I must have something very strange and anyone for sure will want to marry me” This sore is carried to the adult life and makes serious prejudices in esteem and relationships conflicts.
The mother’s words are faithfully internalized and become a prophecy. Relationship goes not right and the client starts thinking her mother was pretty right turning the belief stronger. But the client doesn’t realize her attitudes (by had heard things that affected her esteem) are sabotaging these relationships – starting from the partner chosen until the relation dynamic. Those attitudes sometimes have nothing to do with what her mother considers “wrongs”.
When got older and started to defend parents she suffered consequences. Her parents had never seen those attitudes as something positive. She was called attention and seen as complicated , angry, quarrelsome…they never saw their own behavior as something negative. For them daughter was wrong and should be punished.
See what emotional mess. Passives and submissive parents accepting everything, thinking this is a healthy behavior. Daughter was different since childhood. She was punished, compared negatively to her brothers so that give up being different, keeping the family system as always was. She didn’t understand how her parents could not comprehend her point of view, and she could not relax by seen parents in that way, however also had not a comprehension of them. All this became a serious relationship problem between them. Got moreover to my client, feelings like angry, rejection that obviously reflected on esteem and affairs.
Already got cases about offspring that had better financial live so far away of the family baseline. The result? Anger, envy, excessive demands, familiar punishment… the different, the best succeed tease the feelings of incapacity, ones frustration by not get prominence. It makes the successful one feels guilty, what makes him/her carry a heavy burden of financial help to help the family. Also can become an endless game of dissatisfaction and guilt: the successful feels guilty and helps everyone, anyone neither enjoys nor recognize, never think is enough and besides reject him but he keeps on helping to see if one day things change.
What happens most of the time and we simply don’t realize is that some cases we desire to be different, better, but once we know this will disturb other members we sabotage ourselves to do not develop.
Off course these extremes don’t even happen in every family. In a different level or just in some specific areas these resistances will always exist in a family. It’s more common that we can imagine and we have no idea of how much we sabotage our growth to not affect other family members in order to avoid rejection or lack of identification. Be familiar brings a mutual indentify that we don’t want lose.
The difference between a traditional work and the EFT(Emotional Freedom Techniques) is that after indentify the feelings we use techniques to dissolve retained ones. Negatives emotions keep us acting repeatedly even when we are conscious of what we should change. Comprehend rationally is the begining. However if feelings are revealed, in a rational level, but are not dissolved little things, or nothing, change. That’s where EFT makes a big difference. We became aware of feelings and then we are able to dissolve them using EFT. It brings a fast and unique result in the behavior change. When we delete feelings, new insights arise manifesting more feelings in need to be eliminated.
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