Can you say no?
por Elisabeth Cavalcante em STUM WORLDAtualizado em 23/10/2004 20:01:47
Translation by Luciana Soares Lopes - [email protected]
Final revision by Françoise Killick - [email protected]
Many people have problems and difficulties in their daily lives for one very simple reason: they can't say no. They frequently say yes to other people's absurd requests and demands when they, actually, would rather or would like to say no.
Why does this happen?
There are many factors behind this incapacity: the fear of being rejected, the necessity of always getting people's support, a difficulty in facing conflicts and low self-esteem.
The result of this attitude is that they end up accumulating tasks, dedicating themselves to things they frequently did not feel like doing, to the detriment of their own needs and desires. They end up having difficulty in fulfilling all their commitments, which creates stress and frustration, and a growing resentment against life.
To get out of this vicious circle, we have, in the first place, to carefully analyze the causes of this incapacity of saying no. It demands a detailed work of inner investigation, that will allow us to find out what, in our life history, determined such a behavior.
Another way is to reflect on our own needs and to know how to distinguish them from those imposed by other people. It's obvious that all of us have life obligations, responsibilities that we have to fulfill even if they're not pleasant.
However, we have to clearly determine our own priorities and refuse everything that does not fit. Thus, we can avoid accepting tasks that are not essential to our own well-being.
Self-respect and self-esteem are important antidotes against the incapacity of saying no. Start by refusing to buy useless things you don't need; don't let the salesperson dominate you through insistence.
Say no to outrageous requests such as, for example, that one from the work-mate that is always borrowing money for the lunch, saying that he/she doesn't have change, but he/she never remembers to pay back.
Try, you have to start somehow. With practice, it'll become more and more comfortable for you. And one day, without realizing it, you'll be saying no to a relationship that's taking advantage of you, refusing to be exploited by your family or friends and making your life much easier.
"... One single moment of authenticity is better than a whole life without it. Therefore don't be afraid. Being genuine means remaining true with yourself. How to do it? Always remember these three rules.
The first one, never listen to anyone who tells you what you must be. Always listen to your inner voice, to what you'd like to be, otherwise you'll waste your whole life. Being genuine means being honest with yourself.
The second rule is more important - only if you obey the first rule will you be able to obey the second one - never wear a mask. If you are angry, show your anger. It's dangerous, but don't smile, for this is being insincere. But you were taught that when you are angry you must smile. Then your smile becomes insincere, a mask - simply a movement of the lips and nothing else. The heart is full of anger and poison, and the lips to smile: you become a prodigy of falseness.
The third rule is about authenticity... always remain in the present, because all falseness comes from both the past and the future. Because what's done is past; don't worry about it and don't think of this as a burden; otherwise it'll fall onto the present and it'll destroy it. Be true in relation to the present; then you'll be genuine. To be here now is to be genuine. Neither past nor future - the moment is everything. The moment is the whole eternity".
(Osho)
